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Even Ninjas Get Scared

A week from today I'm having my first of the two-stage j-pouch surgery (April 15th, ready or not!). I am going to be frank with you: today I am more anxious than ever. I have so much on my plate at the moment between work deadlines and my sister's wedding. I am beginning to get overwhelmed.

For several days now, I've felt "numb." It's been "surreal." I think it's been more of a denial. "Is this really happening? Am I really about to let someone take a scalpel and cut me open!?"

This morning when it hit me that my surgery is a week from today, I felt a surge of panic and my toes went numb. I have been staring at my scar-less belly for days. In one week, it will resemble Frankenstein. I realize it is vain of me, but I'm not looking forward to the scars.

The only surgery I've had is wisdom teeth removal. I was sixteen years old and it was painful. My cheeks swelled and I had little green bruises on my jawline for about a week. I was put under for that procedure and don't remember a thing except being sick all night afterwards. I don't recall being very afraid beforehand either. Obviously I didn't want to go through with it... but it was just a few teeth!

Now we're talking my entire colon! How on earth do other people cope?! I've been racking my brain trying to "plan ahead." Trying to be prepared for having a temporary ileostomy. But it seems as though it is just going to be one of those things that I'll have to experience first-hand.

I have read many j-pouch stories. I've also talked with several people who've had the surgery. There are a lot of good blogs out there. Some of my favorites include:

1) Mark's Story
2) Brooke's J-Pouch Story, Her Second Surgery, Coming to Terms with Surgery
3) Sara Ringer (Came across this one today! Very timely!), Should You Get a J-Pouch?
4) Jennifer's Story

I sincerely wish that I could tell you these stories have eradicated my fear of having the surgery. But they have not. The truth is I am having a lot of trouble coping. Sure, there are some things that I am looking forward to after surgery (relief from symptoms, Downton Abbey Marathon, Sherlock Marathon, my black belt, coming up with fun excuses for my scars, etc.), but yeah. I am afraid. 

There's nothing really that I can do to prepare for all this. I will, however, be sharing my story with you guys, so please keep checking back. How often I'll be able to, I don't know, but I hope that it helps at least one of you out there... I say the more j-pouch stories we get out there, the better! Surgery is such a harsh reality for people with an IBD and if there's ANYTHING I can do to help, I'll at least know that the suffering I've been facing will be worth it. Until next time, know that you are in my prayers. Feel free to contact me at any time. You can find me on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest. You can even email me (see the link on the right of the screen). Take care and KEEP FIGHTING!

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